Yep- she does. And it's utterly annoying. I have never known what its like to not have to worry about money. I was born when my mother and father were pretty dirt poor. My mom likes to yell the stories to me when we have an argument- especially when its about money- and it usually is. I grew up not knowing how or why I had mostly everything I needed- and some things I wanted. I knew my mom was always home, and didn't work. What I learned later was that my grandparents, and then my grandmother, supported us almost completely. There is even an old picture I have somewhere of my grandmother in the background holding and reading a bill. I also learned later that my brother and I went to St. Joes- and then I to MonDon on complete scholarship. Well, thank God for that, I suppose.
Later on, when I was older, my mom went back to college. She told me later she spent the entire day there- the same amount of time my brother and I were in school- so that she was home when we were. Cool deal, I guess. She finished, and then began working shortly after that. This year she has worked for the State for 13 years...and is one of the most miserable people I know.
We never went on vacations. I still haven't been to Disney. We did visit local festivities and things to do- like Popcorn Park Zoo, for example. Most of the time I was allowed on school field trips- but only if they were close. I wasn't allowed to go to the Camden Aquarium.. and was literally the only 8th grader not allowed to go on the NYC class trip until the school called my mom and talked to her about it. When I was older, my mom and uncle would take my brother and I on day trips to Philadelphia a couple times- but never New York. So, I suppose it was cool to see those things as I was older, since I do remember them now.
I remember my brother and I having to come home by ourselves quite well. We argued a lot- and to this day, barely get along for more then a couple minutes at a time. I didn't have a lot of friends, probably because I wasn't able to get involved in much at school. I was in chorus in grade school because the practices were during the day. Once I got higher up in grades, there wasn't much opportunity to get involved unless I didn't have to stay after school or get driven there later. When I was in 8th grade, I was allowed to join youth group at church, and that helped somewhat, but I still never really got close with anyone in particular. I got to participate in most of the activities, but of course, there were some I missed out on. When I was in high school, I was able to stay after school until my mom left work from right up the road and would pick me up. I am not sure if that did me more harm then good, though. I really didn't become close friends with anyone, and just kinda hung around and would talk to some people here and there. I had a job or two for a few months here or there- but they both stopped within a few months since my mom didn't want to drive me anymore.
Speaking of friendships and friends- my mom never had any... and still doesn't. This is shocking to most people, and as an adult, it is shocking to me. Maybe this is why both my brother and I never knew how to create social interactions in positive ways. We just kind of spoke to whoever was there at the time. This led to many failed friendships- and boy/girl relationships for the both of us.
My last two years of high school I was extremely depressed. I was pretty much in a daze. I was sick for some of my junior year- I really thing to this day it was psychosomatic...I made myself sick so I didn't have to stay at school. I had no one, really. I was made fun of viciously my entire school career. Things started to die down by the end of Junior year- I guess as some people matured enough that the crowd copied them and it all just stopped. Senior year is definitely a blur. As the college hunt began, I was stuck between wanting to run and get away from it all, and staying close enough to home I didn't have to worry about too much.
I still wonder to this day if my decision to stay close to home was the best. I think in a way it was very good for me to do. It gave me the rebellious, second-guessing-of-life I never went through in puberty or high school. I goofed off for the first time ever, and made a few close friends. And yes, I wasted the money my grandmother gave me to help me out since I wasn't working.
Half-way through the year, I moved back home, and started what I like to call the "adventure" I went on to reach where I am today. I spent about 2 years at OCC trying to figure out what I wanted to do. But, I wasn't ready yet. So much was missing from my life, how could I know what I wanted to do with "the rest of it"? I left OCC, and journeyed on my own to Tennessee with some close friends. I had several big experiences there, including getting saved in 2007. I moved back to New Jersey in 2008. It has been an interesting, rocky ride since then.
I have since graduated from OCC, and started at GCU-again. Even with all that, my mom still tells me she doesn't think- or care- if I ever do finish. She has refused to help me out with school in any way, shape, or form. I am now restricted in how much I can work, so I don't loose what financial aid I have received. I have racked up some decent credit card debt because of that, and have a few bills overdue. Of course, since I am only a substitute in my current positions, I miss out on a lot of hours because of school and other activities. I live paycheck to paycheck, and sometimes use a whole paycheck within a day or two. This just adds to stress.
Most of my outside activities, like being a youth leader, my mom of course sees as unnecessary missed chances at working. I owe my mom a pretty big amount of money- especially for someone working less then part time a majority of pay periods. She continuously hassles me and negatively reminds me of this, while starting all kinds of hostile arguments with me. She doesn't realize how much sacrificing I do take on in order to stay in school, study, and get decent grades...while working and (making attempts at) being a good, Christian example to those who look up to me. She also doesn't realize how good I feel about myself now that I know exactly what I want to do in life, without a doubt. She still very much doubts me, and has negative views towards not only her life, but mine.
I take a great deal of responsibility for myself even though I live at home. Yet, this is overlooked a majority of the time. I buy all my own needs, and some wants- including food. So really, I just get to have a place to call home. Of course, as with anything, my purchases are looked at negatively and constantly scrutinized. I never even get to ask for $20 for gas or anything else. Now, my mom has decided that the basic food in the house is "hers"...and that I best not touch it. Up until this point, I have just been supplementing with my own preferences- due to my new switch to being a vegetarian. So, I use the rice, pasta, bread...etc etc. Yet, she is also on a tangent of telling me how much of "her" house I use for my stuff. Go figure. I have the smallest room, yet need the biggest space because of school and all the other things I have going on. This was agreed upon way back in the day, yet for some reason keeps coming up in arguments.Things are more negative and almost hostile then they have ever been. I am just now waiting to see how many other things she attempts to nit-pick and try to bring up to me.
I am trying to look forward to this summer as much as possible. I am have a pretty awesome internship lined up, with lots of opportunities to take charge of various projects and other events. I go on an interview tomorrow to see if I can get a steadier position with a similar agency. I am thinking about whether or not I want to take a class as well, to try and get my degree finished in a timely fashion. I am also greatly looking forward to all the different youth and young adult events that will be going on, making new friendships, and strengthening ones already there. I just hope this summer is not a whirl wind of negativity and hostility. I can only really pray that out, and ask that others agree with me in that.
This was definitely not my usual happy-go-lucky post. But, these are some things that have been bothering me, and needed to be said. I do feel somewhat better now that I got them out. God Bless you all.
<3
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